Pride As Strong As Steel As Thin As Ice

I think the thing that upsets me the most about asking for something isn't being told no. Although I will admit that I am a self proclaimed daddy's girl and there are not many times I can remember being told no. By anybody. Ever. While I am sure that this would affect anyone's ability to adjust to not receiving what they want, I consider myself well adjusted to the concept (not necessarily the act or consequences) of being told no. If someone ever told me no I would just figure an alternate route. That is who I am. I am that girl that finds a yes in a pile full of no's. Please do not confuse this with me being an optimist. I am very much so a pessimist. I like to define myself as a realist but I do enough self reflection to know that I teeter on the line between pessimist and realist often drifting heavily into pessimisn. I mean who wouldn't like to be an optimist. Who wouldn't love to see rainbows on cloudy days, or smile at funerals? It seems like a much easier and less stressful life to lead but at this point in my life that's just not who I am and honestly I cannot remember a time in my life where I was ever that person. I am that person who's mind constantly wonders. The person at the funeral wondering if that person is really going to heaven because I remember some f*cked up stuff they did. Or see a rainbow and think "man that rainbow is pretty dull today". I am that person that always says, "what if". I will admit that I have been the person to think of the worst possible outcome of a situation and marry that to my perception of reality and have at times been wrong. The woman in me (as well as my strong desire to be right) has to emphasize that I have not always been wrong. Sometimes what I think will happen is exactly what happens, but I digress. From that a complicated mix of vindication and pain from being right brews in me. It is very possible to be happy and hurt when right. Being right does not always bring peace, but that is another blog for another day. Back to what I was talking about... The thing I hate most about asking anyone for anything is the mere fact that I asked, that I showed that weakness, that I gave you the opportunity to affect my feelings or situation. That no matter the time, a few minutes or days, you had the chance, the power to affect my feelings or outcome of my situation. I let you know that you were instrumental to some area of my life. Don't think that I apply this to only the large areas of my life. I mean I really take this to heart. Say for instance you had a box of Cherry heads, which is the top 10 candy of all time, and I asked you, "hey can I have some". To me, I lost some of my power. I told you what would make me happy or satisfy me, what I desired and you had the capability to deny me that. That's where I have an internal struggle. It seems petty and in some circumstances it most certainly can be. But not always. To me, it becomes most petty if I outwardly project my disdain as though you owe me those cherry heads, or attempt to guilt you into giving me some cherry heads. I try to keep that crazy under lock and key. I find power in not needing anyone or asking anyone for anything. It's my own little safety blanket. Not needing anything from anyone is my way of keeping the world out, securing my future, in that, I alone am responsible for my success or my downfalls. And its not that I dont want to share my successes, I really just don't want to be able to blame anyone for my downfall. Look at it like this, I value you in my life. I don't have many people that I call on, rely on, or trust. If I put the full weight of my decisions solely on my own shoulders then I don't have to risk losing a friend, minimizing your role in my life, or harboring ill will. Your role in my life is protected because of the way that I have compartmentalized my tribulations and your responsibilities as someone in my life. Me asking for anything, or letting you know that I need something, forces me to drop that wall, and remove the parameters bordering our relationship, thereby putting our friendship at risk. So really I want you to stay in my life. I try to avoid putting people out of my lfe. But something that I have found is that people who are not meant to be in your life will always find a way to exit. Even your shadow leaves when it gets too dark. Some may say that this prevents someone from being a real friend to me and in some ways it might.That the best way to know what people are meant to stick and stay in your life is through test and circumstance. But human nature is to choose the way that protects you the best. This way isn't the only way that I have tried and trust I have been vunerable more times than I'd like to admit, but comparatively I've been hurt a lot less. And the times I have been hurt, hurt like a bitch. I have learned not to trust emotion; its fleeting and deceptive. And normally emotion drives those type of decisions. The people you want to stay in your life, you will find a way to keep in your life. You ignore the signs. you forgive. You trust. By allowing only a certain part of myself to be available I avoid the unnecessary release of information, feelings, and pain. I avoid vunerability. I prefer a more guarded approach. For the most part, you already know the people who shouldn't be in your life. You get the vibes, the things that are said that dont rub you the right way,them always wanting the last slice of pizza, or the movie always being on you. Your mom tells you, "that is not your friend" and you think mama is tripping but mama knows chile. Mama always knows. “To leave, after all, was not the same as being left.” Sex is not the only way to give a piece of your soul out and it is certainly not the most beautiful, simply the most used. To be intimate, to show someone who you are and dare them to not to leave is the most beautiful. For instance, every time I write a post and I let random readers into my world I am disproving my "i dont want to be vunerable" theory and I share my soul with you with only the hopes that you'll share yours back. Because in the end all people really want to do is forget the rules, say to hell with the formalities and bare their soul. Be naked. Bathed in vulnerability. Even someone with pride as strong as steal and as thin ice.... Taura

[ UNPLUGGED ]

I deleted all of my social networking sites.  I don't know for how long. I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know where this road is gonna lead me. The only thing I'm doing is writing, journaling, cataloging my feelings. That's the truest emotion. I just pray for the strength to deal with the certain destruction 

Peace On The Otherside of 1000 Fuck You's

Purge: to rid of whatever is impure or undesirable; cleanse; purify

So the other night. I purged. It wasn't necessarily a willingful purge as it was brought on by consuming a mass amount of tequila in world record time. I called someone who I love dearly and who has hurt me tremendously and I let go. It didn't matter if they responded, if they heard me, if they cared. I (tequila) just knew that I couldn't hold it any longer. I mean I let loose. I ripped it on their (pardon the expletive) ass. I pointed out every flaw in logic, every insensitivity, selfish behavior, and I psychoanalyzed them. I went for the juggler. Now even in a drunken stupor I'm not disrespectful so there was no name calling or excess uses of ill language but I will be honest with you and say that I said "fuck you" so many times I could've been endorsed by a major record label. No really I should've had a 2 Chainz ad lib machine doing back up. It's something so liberating about saying, "you hurt me, fuck you" and meaning it. 

I make no excuses for feeling that good about saying fuck you and normally I would feel terrible for even whispering such painful words to someone but I dont. I woke up the next morning feeling so spiritually light. I seriously could've flown away. I felt relieved. I felt unweighted. I felt free. I had held so many things inside of me to the point that I was weighing myself down trying to hold myself together. Back seating serious issues I had for the advancement of a relationship that could only go as far as my ability to communicate effectively. (I really hope you all caught that because 

that's probably the truest statement I've ever written!) It was then I recognized the benefit of purging (minus the tequila of course)!

I've never been one to overly express myself. I'm in that gray area between saying too much and saying nothing at all. If you catch me on the wrong day I'll tell you everything you never wanted to know. Catch me in the wrong mood and I won't even glorify your foolery with a rebuttle. If you ask me how I feel about something I will tell you just that. I'm this way I believe because I never want to give you the glorification of knowing how much you have pissed me off, hurt me, and taken me to my limit. I spend everyday strong. It takes a lot of effort to keep your head high, your eyes up and your feet moving. If I stopped to really evaluate the feelings I felt that takes time away from me being strong and definitely a chip off my image. Now that just can't happen. My image is my everything. I'm nothing if not resilient. Always making the right decision, throwing myself on the sword, saying the right thing, being that right kind of "rare" person; the one you couldn't possibly duplicate. And if you cannot duplicate me then surely you must see the value in me without me exposing my weakness in our relationship thus making it last longer. Wrong!

You have to stop holding it in. Stop thinking "what's the point in addressing what was wrong they're never gonna fix it." Waiting for people to grow out of the same mentality that they have had their entire life. Stop subtly pointing out the flaws, leaving hints and becoming frustrated with the process to the point that the entire communication is shut down. 

Normally I am the type to hold it all in, then when a person continuously pushes me I explode, I let it go then it starts all over. I realize now, that solves nothing. It was all said so brash and I was so furious to the point that I couldn't hear. Even if they had any feedback or any feelings I was so mad that I couldn't set aside my anger to listen, to come to a middle ground that leads to a solution. The crazy part about that is even when I was spazzing like crazy and so furious I was blinded, I would still hold back. I'd dance around the issues. I'd still allude to the problems because a part of me felt weak for even having them. This super woman cannot be insecure. She cannot be jealous. Surely she can't feel threatened. I know she can be sufficient without the necessities of modern women. Who needs time and affection? Love and comfort? Could superwoman herself actually NEED advice. Say it ain't so! Not realizing that all I didn't want to be was vulnerable. I didn't want anyone to know that they had the opportunity to hurt me or heal me. Break me or make me feel whole. To love me in any capacity but my own. 

You start to think, who am I being strong for? How is holding this in making us better? Am I happier holding this in than if I had let it out? If your answer is yes by all means continue but if you did a real evaluation then you know the answer is no. Find a way to communicate with anyone who has hurt you. I'm sure you'll be surprised to find that you've hurt them too. Being so nonchalant that they felt you weren't invested. So emotional that they felt they had to be stronger & not communicate at all to not hurt you further. By being so nagging much that they never feel that it's their turn to unload on you. There is nothing wrong with a mediator. Go to therapy. Not Big Mama house but a real Judge Lynn Toler or less annoying Dr. Phil. Let someone be unbiased, see both sides, offer advice and tools, and save your life. Yes it's that crucial. As good as my purge felt and as needed as it was, I know it wasn't healthy. And if I get the chance I'll go to therapy with that person. I'll go to therapy for myself. Someone has to teach us to communicate. Contrary to popular belief it is not a skill you were born with. Yes you can talk but can you illustrate and help people understand what is that you are feeling. I've realized that any relationship familial or other is not easy. It takes work, effort, and a lot of uncomfortable moments. In an unconventional time, conventional methods simply will not work. The only way to learn to communicate is by communicating. The bigger picture is a happy life and sometimes you need someone else's help. That doesn't make you weak it makes you human. 

Saint Francis De Sales said, "you learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; and just so, learn to love by loving. All those who think to learn in any other way deceive themselves."

Love you all. Be blessed.

F(ear) O(f) M(issing) O(ut)

FOMO is real people! It is a very aggressive, fatal disease that is running rampant. Initially attacking the subconscious, moving on to daily thoughts, seeping into actions causing extreme pain. Warning: side effects include: irrational thought and actions, extreme insecurity, sadness, loss of real love and slow, long, drawn out, and lonely death. 

But no seriously. FOMO is a disease eating at every race. It is the belief that something other than what you've obtained is out there better, waiting on you. And I don't mean that in a "settle for what you have because you'll never have better" kind of way. By all means if you have a penny please aspire for a dollar but if you are wealthy in all the ways that matter, my question is "TF ARE YOU LOOKING FOR HOMIE"

Let me put it like this. Go with me here. It's your birthday. You've been wanting this gift. It's all you've been talking about to anyone who will listen. You've been hearin about this gift all your life. You saw your parents have it, you friends have it, even that not quite right guy that grew up down the street from you, the one who brother would beat anybody up if he heard you talking about him, yep, even he has it!!! You've been patiently waiting on it to be your turn to hold it, to actress it, to care for it, for it to be yours! And you just know that this year, is your year! You get the gift and it's wrapped amateurly but hey, it's what's inside that matters right. Your gift is the right shape, the right weight, it has to be it. You open it and sure enough, THERE IT IS!!! You're so happy. Ecstatic. You put it on Instagram like, "yyyaaasssss ima f it up with this one" you get 100+ likes, tons of comments of people faux celebrating for you! "You're so lucky" "I want a relationship just like you" "OMG your gift is so pretty" ! Blah blah blah! A week goes by, your gift has some glitches but is very functional and still everything you wanted. A month goes by and you all are having a great time together. You can't get enough of your gift. A year goes by and your gift is truly old faithful. It's a little boring from time to time but it makes you happy. There's been some tough times but you've made it through, together. You make all your moves together. Plan a life together. Your gift has become a part of your day to day  life. You can't imagine making a move if it's not, you guessed it, together. You're in gift hog heaven. 

Then *BAM* it happens!!!!! The competitors version of your gift comes out! The blasphemy!!!! Its the Kindle Paperwhite to your Ipad with retina display! The Galaxy s5 to your iPhone 5s! It is the Texas Pete to your Louisiana Hotsauce! The Body by Vi to your Herbalife! The Jimmy Dean to your Circle B! It is outrageous! But it's new. It promises to do things that your old faithful hasn't even heard of! But you wouldn't dare leave your old faithful! Why would you? Y'all have history! Duh! Plus it doesn't need to be replaced. It still works fine! If it ain't broke right? But the temptation is too much. Everywhere you go you see the newer version. On television, everytime you open your Instagram there's 100 of them. All there waiting for the picking. And why shouldn't you test them out. You deserve it. And maybe that old faithful isn't as good as you remember it to be. After all it's lost it's new car smell. 

Now back to reality. Everywhere you go there's going to be temptation. There is always going an updated version if what you have. Doesn't mean that it's better. iPhone has a new update every month doesn't make it better. Just trading bugs and fixes for other bugs and fixes. Perfection doesn't exist. Perfection in love doesn't mean to be without flaws" it just means that you were able to love past them, work through them, get over them. It's only perfect as long as you find it perfect. The fear of missing out is real and natural but we're looking at it the wrong way. Instead of thinking that we are missing out by choosing just one, find the beauty in the gold at home. We should think, the people who do not get to experience what I get to experience, be loved the way I am loved, give love back in the way I have poured it from my soul, seeped it from every pore and have it absorbed, appreciated and returned are sure missing out. There is nothing better than the gold at home. 

The Transition From Selfless To Selfish

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be like my mom. Even when I hated her (blame the teenage hormones) and felt like we had nothing in common I still wanted to be just like her. She was a career woman, super strong, supportive, a number of talents, and loved by quite a few. What I didn't realize is how much sacrifice it took to be those things. Balancing a career with three kids, a husband, president of the couples ministry, Sunday school superintendent, lead worship, made it to every track meet, basketball game, volleyball game we had and still cooked every night. She made it look so effortless, like she never got tired. Now that we're older and have grown up she talks a lot about how she needs to do things for herself now and I can remember thinking, "your whole life has been yours. why be selfish now?!?!" If only it were that easy. I see now a selfless person trying to be selfish is next to impossible. Like those people you see, standing outside a restaurant in the middle of a snowstorm trying to light a cigarette. You just keep flicking away with intensity, determined to get this fire lit. You know you can do it! You see others doing it! They make it look easy! They tell you it's easy! And you believe them. You think you'll get the same gratification that they get when they only think of themselves, when they only care about what they have going on. But it's not true. Yes I'll be a lot less heartbroken and probably a lot less mad when things go awry but I wouldn't have been myself being selfish. My son is 4 years old. I've been (was) in a relationship for the last two years. My everyday for probably the last 5 years has been a selfless act of love, compromise, and fulfilling others needs. Now while my previous lover never asked me to be selfless he surely didn't turn the benefits down. That's not a bashing that's the truth. But why would you expect someone to do that? Because we're selfless and our thoughts irrational.

Think about how many friends you've had over your lifetime, how many cookies and chips you've shared as a child, how many times you let your friend who didn't have what you had, have a little piece of yours and how disappointed you were when they didn't do the same. I don't think that feeling goes away. We just get older. For the truly selfless the idea of being selfish just for the sake of being selfish is absurd. You mean I shouldn't share just because people are mean and I probably, surely, definitely won't get it back. Tuh. It all seems so childish. We don't see it as self preservation we see it as being immature. Always having that "if I have it you got it" mentality. 

I woke up one morning about a month ago and was tired. I was was selfless-ing myself sick. I had gained an insane (for my standard) amount of weight, having chronic headaches, I'm sure I was making my child miserable because I was so tired my patience was far too thin to be dealing with the energy of a 4 year old, I was sad. So I quit. I stopped. I made decisions that surely were not the most wise, economically feasible, or emotionally best but I made them. Maybe I was overdue for a bad decision. The pressure I had placed on myself to be this well rounded renaissance woman was smothering me. It was no ones standards but my own. No ones expectations but my own. And no one would tell me, "hey maybe you should relax" but me. I woke up one day and decided it had been long enough. Being selfless hasn't yielded the results I needed to continue. 

I ended my relationship with a very good but very not ready man who I loved (still love) painfully. I left the job that was causing me a maniacal amount of stress, paid well, and kept me away from my son for the exact opposite. I withdrew my son from daycare and began to dedicate a significant amount of time to relearning him and giving him an opportunity to really get to know his much less occupied and way less stressed mom. And sad to say I've ended some friendships. But I'm happier. I'm healthier. I may never be as selfish as some of the people I've invited into my life but I can't say that I necessarily aspire to be that selfish. It's not who I see myself as. It was never in my long term goals. It's not what my mother would've been. 

Individuality has no place in love...

You've spent your whole life being an individual, only looking out for yourself. Why when given the opportunity to relinquish some of that individuality for a greater us, you panic? The merging of  two individuals isn't the loss of two people but the building of a great ONE. You would think you're tired of doing it alone. Running from your purpose because you're too focused on what you'll lose as opposed to all the things you'll gain. Maybe that's the decline of love. Maybe that has something to so with why people don't get married anymore. More secure in individuality , too scared to let anyone in. Thinking, "if I'll lose them I'll have nothing" why not think, "when we have each other we'll have everything". I look forward to letting go, to have a partner like God designed me to have. People are too scared to get what God told them is theirs. I look forward to holidays with both families, forcing the kids to perform talents, date nights two stepping to old school music, becoming those old couples we laughed at. Becoming everything I've always dreamed of. People will be alone for the rest of their life if it meant that they never had to feel the fall out of the risks they took. Every risk is a stepping stone out, above, over...an experience, wisdom otherwise not gained. I am not my failures I am however stronger everytime. I feel sorry for people who must hold on to who they think they are because they're just holding themselves back. It must be a sad life to know it'll always be you. Just you. Feeling like you're the only one you can trust. The only one that can love you. The only one who can anticipate your needs. I feel even worse for the one who was designed to love you, designed to break the mold, the one who was supposed to be great with you. I suppose I feel sorry for myself...