Pride As Strong As Steel As Thin As Ice

I think the thing that upsets me the most about asking for something isn't being told no. Although I will admit that I am a self proclaimed daddy's girl and there are not many times I can remember being told no. By anybody. Ever. While I am sure that this would affect anyone's ability to adjust to not receiving what they want, I consider myself well adjusted to the concept (not necessarily the act or consequences) of being told no. If someone ever told me no I would just figure an alternate route. That is who I am. I am that girl that finds a yes in a pile full of no's. Please do not confuse this with me being an optimist. I am very much so a pessimist. I like to define myself as a realist but I do enough self reflection to know that I teeter on the line between pessimist and realist often drifting heavily into pessimisn. I mean who wouldn't like to be an optimist. Who wouldn't love to see rainbows on cloudy days, or smile at funerals? It seems like a much easier and less stressful life to lead but at this point in my life that's just not who I am and honestly I cannot remember a time in my life where I was ever that person. I am that person who's mind constantly wonders. The person at the funeral wondering if that person is really going to heaven because I remember some f*cked up stuff they did. Or see a rainbow and think "man that rainbow is pretty dull today". I am that person that always says, "what if". I will admit that I have been the person to think of the worst possible outcome of a situation and marry that to my perception of reality and have at times been wrong. The woman in me (as well as my strong desire to be right) has to emphasize that I have not always been wrong. Sometimes what I think will happen is exactly what happens, but I digress. From that a complicated mix of vindication and pain from being right brews in me. It is very possible to be happy and hurt when right. Being right does not always bring peace, but that is another blog for another day. Back to what I was talking about... The thing I hate most about asking anyone for anything is the mere fact that I asked, that I showed that weakness, that I gave you the opportunity to affect my feelings or situation. That no matter the time, a few minutes or days, you had the chance, the power to affect my feelings or outcome of my situation. I let you know that you were instrumental to some area of my life. Don't think that I apply this to only the large areas of my life. I mean I really take this to heart. Say for instance you had a box of Cherry heads, which is the top 10 candy of all time, and I asked you, "hey can I have some". To me, I lost some of my power. I told you what would make me happy or satisfy me, what I desired and you had the capability to deny me that. That's where I have an internal struggle. It seems petty and in some circumstances it most certainly can be. But not always. To me, it becomes most petty if I outwardly project my disdain as though you owe me those cherry heads, or attempt to guilt you into giving me some cherry heads. I try to keep that crazy under lock and key. I find power in not needing anyone or asking anyone for anything. It's my own little safety blanket. Not needing anything from anyone is my way of keeping the world out, securing my future, in that, I alone am responsible for my success or my downfalls. And its not that I dont want to share my successes, I really just don't want to be able to blame anyone for my downfall. Look at it like this, I value you in my life. I don't have many people that I call on, rely on, or trust. If I put the full weight of my decisions solely on my own shoulders then I don't have to risk losing a friend, minimizing your role in my life, or harboring ill will. Your role in my life is protected because of the way that I have compartmentalized my tribulations and your responsibilities as someone in my life. Me asking for anything, or letting you know that I need something, forces me to drop that wall, and remove the parameters bordering our relationship, thereby putting our friendship at risk. So really I want you to stay in my life. I try to avoid putting people out of my lfe. But something that I have found is that people who are not meant to be in your life will always find a way to exit. Even your shadow leaves when it gets too dark. Some may say that this prevents someone from being a real friend to me and in some ways it might.That the best way to know what people are meant to stick and stay in your life is through test and circumstance. But human nature is to choose the way that protects you the best. This way isn't the only way that I have tried and trust I have been vunerable more times than I'd like to admit, but comparatively I've been hurt a lot less. And the times I have been hurt, hurt like a bitch. I have learned not to trust emotion; its fleeting and deceptive. And normally emotion drives those type of decisions. The people you want to stay in your life, you will find a way to keep in your life. You ignore the signs. you forgive. You trust. By allowing only a certain part of myself to be available I avoid the unnecessary release of information, feelings, and pain. I avoid vunerability. I prefer a more guarded approach. For the most part, you already know the people who shouldn't be in your life. You get the vibes, the things that are said that dont rub you the right way,them always wanting the last slice of pizza, or the movie always being on you. Your mom tells you, "that is not your friend" and you think mama is tripping but mama knows chile. Mama always knows. “To leave, after all, was not the same as being left.” Sex is not the only way to give a piece of your soul out and it is certainly not the most beautiful, simply the most used. To be intimate, to show someone who you are and dare them to not to leave is the most beautiful. For instance, every time I write a post and I let random readers into my world I am disproving my "i dont want to be vunerable" theory and I share my soul with you with only the hopes that you'll share yours back. Because in the end all people really want to do is forget the rules, say to hell with the formalities and bare their soul. Be naked. Bathed in vulnerability. Even someone with pride as strong as steal and as thin ice.... Taura

[ UNPLUGGED ]

I deleted all of my social networking sites.  I don't know for how long. I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know where this road is gonna lead me. The only thing I'm doing is writing, journaling, cataloging my feelings. That's the truest emotion. I just pray for the strength to deal with the certain destruction