Peace On The Otherside of 1000 Fuck You's

Purge: to rid of whatever is impure or undesirable; cleanse; purify

So the other night. I purged. It wasn't necessarily a willingful purge as it was brought on by consuming a mass amount of tequila in world record time. I called someone who I love dearly and who has hurt me tremendously and I let go. It didn't matter if they responded, if they heard me, if they cared. I (tequila) just knew that I couldn't hold it any longer. I mean I let loose. I ripped it on their (pardon the expletive) ass. I pointed out every flaw in logic, every insensitivity, selfish behavior, and I psychoanalyzed them. I went for the juggler. Now even in a drunken stupor I'm not disrespectful so there was no name calling or excess uses of ill language but I will be honest with you and say that I said "fuck you" so many times I could've been endorsed by a major record label. No really I should've had a 2 Chainz ad lib machine doing back up. It's something so liberating about saying, "you hurt me, fuck you" and meaning it. 

I make no excuses for feeling that good about saying fuck you and normally I would feel terrible for even whispering such painful words to someone but I dont. I woke up the next morning feeling so spiritually light. I seriously could've flown away. I felt relieved. I felt unweighted. I felt free. I had held so many things inside of me to the point that I was weighing myself down trying to hold myself together. Back seating serious issues I had for the advancement of a relationship that could only go as far as my ability to communicate effectively. (I really hope you all caught that because 

that's probably the truest statement I've ever written!) It was then I recognized the benefit of purging (minus the tequila of course)!

I've never been one to overly express myself. I'm in that gray area between saying too much and saying nothing at all. If you catch me on the wrong day I'll tell you everything you never wanted to know. Catch me in the wrong mood and I won't even glorify your foolery with a rebuttle. If you ask me how I feel about something I will tell you just that. I'm this way I believe because I never want to give you the glorification of knowing how much you have pissed me off, hurt me, and taken me to my limit. I spend everyday strong. It takes a lot of effort to keep your head high, your eyes up and your feet moving. If I stopped to really evaluate the feelings I felt that takes time away from me being strong and definitely a chip off my image. Now that just can't happen. My image is my everything. I'm nothing if not resilient. Always making the right decision, throwing myself on the sword, saying the right thing, being that right kind of "rare" person; the one you couldn't possibly duplicate. And if you cannot duplicate me then surely you must see the value in me without me exposing my weakness in our relationship thus making it last longer. Wrong!

You have to stop holding it in. Stop thinking "what's the point in addressing what was wrong they're never gonna fix it." Waiting for people to grow out of the same mentality that they have had their entire life. Stop subtly pointing out the flaws, leaving hints and becoming frustrated with the process to the point that the entire communication is shut down. 

Normally I am the type to hold it all in, then when a person continuously pushes me I explode, I let it go then it starts all over. I realize now, that solves nothing. It was all said so brash and I was so furious to the point that I couldn't hear. Even if they had any feedback or any feelings I was so mad that I couldn't set aside my anger to listen, to come to a middle ground that leads to a solution. The crazy part about that is even when I was spazzing like crazy and so furious I was blinded, I would still hold back. I'd dance around the issues. I'd still allude to the problems because a part of me felt weak for even having them. This super woman cannot be insecure. She cannot be jealous. Surely she can't feel threatened. I know she can be sufficient without the necessities of modern women. Who needs time and affection? Love and comfort? Could superwoman herself actually NEED advice. Say it ain't so! Not realizing that all I didn't want to be was vulnerable. I didn't want anyone to know that they had the opportunity to hurt me or heal me. Break me or make me feel whole. To love me in any capacity but my own. 

You start to think, who am I being strong for? How is holding this in making us better? Am I happier holding this in than if I had let it out? If your answer is yes by all means continue but if you did a real evaluation then you know the answer is no. Find a way to communicate with anyone who has hurt you. I'm sure you'll be surprised to find that you've hurt them too. Being so nonchalant that they felt you weren't invested. So emotional that they felt they had to be stronger & not communicate at all to not hurt you further. By being so nagging much that they never feel that it's their turn to unload on you. There is nothing wrong with a mediator. Go to therapy. Not Big Mama house but a real Judge Lynn Toler or less annoying Dr. Phil. Let someone be unbiased, see both sides, offer advice and tools, and save your life. Yes it's that crucial. As good as my purge felt and as needed as it was, I know it wasn't healthy. And if I get the chance I'll go to therapy with that person. I'll go to therapy for myself. Someone has to teach us to communicate. Contrary to popular belief it is not a skill you were born with. Yes you can talk but can you illustrate and help people understand what is that you are feeling. I've realized that any relationship familial or other is not easy. It takes work, effort, and a lot of uncomfortable moments. In an unconventional time, conventional methods simply will not work. The only way to learn to communicate is by communicating. The bigger picture is a happy life and sometimes you need someone else's help. That doesn't make you weak it makes you human. 

Saint Francis De Sales said, "you learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; and just so, learn to love by loving. All those who think to learn in any other way deceive themselves."

Love you all. Be blessed.

F(ear) O(f) M(issing) O(ut)

FOMO is real people! It is a very aggressive, fatal disease that is running rampant. Initially attacking the subconscious, moving on to daily thoughts, seeping into actions causing extreme pain. Warning: side effects include: irrational thought and actions, extreme insecurity, sadness, loss of real love and slow, long, drawn out, and lonely death. 

But no seriously. FOMO is a disease eating at every race. It is the belief that something other than what you've obtained is out there better, waiting on you. And I don't mean that in a "settle for what you have because you'll never have better" kind of way. By all means if you have a penny please aspire for a dollar but if you are wealthy in all the ways that matter, my question is "TF ARE YOU LOOKING FOR HOMIE"

Let me put it like this. Go with me here. It's your birthday. You've been wanting this gift. It's all you've been talking about to anyone who will listen. You've been hearin about this gift all your life. You saw your parents have it, you friends have it, even that not quite right guy that grew up down the street from you, the one who brother would beat anybody up if he heard you talking about him, yep, even he has it!!! You've been patiently waiting on it to be your turn to hold it, to actress it, to care for it, for it to be yours! And you just know that this year, is your year! You get the gift and it's wrapped amateurly but hey, it's what's inside that matters right. Your gift is the right shape, the right weight, it has to be it. You open it and sure enough, THERE IT IS!!! You're so happy. Ecstatic. You put it on Instagram like, "yyyaaasssss ima f it up with this one" you get 100+ likes, tons of comments of people faux celebrating for you! "You're so lucky" "I want a relationship just like you" "OMG your gift is so pretty" ! Blah blah blah! A week goes by, your gift has some glitches but is very functional and still everything you wanted. A month goes by and you all are having a great time together. You can't get enough of your gift. A year goes by and your gift is truly old faithful. It's a little boring from time to time but it makes you happy. There's been some tough times but you've made it through, together. You make all your moves together. Plan a life together. Your gift has become a part of your day to day  life. You can't imagine making a move if it's not, you guessed it, together. You're in gift hog heaven. 

Then *BAM* it happens!!!!! The competitors version of your gift comes out! The blasphemy!!!! Its the Kindle Paperwhite to your Ipad with retina display! The Galaxy s5 to your iPhone 5s! It is the Texas Pete to your Louisiana Hotsauce! The Body by Vi to your Herbalife! The Jimmy Dean to your Circle B! It is outrageous! But it's new. It promises to do things that your old faithful hasn't even heard of! But you wouldn't dare leave your old faithful! Why would you? Y'all have history! Duh! Plus it doesn't need to be replaced. It still works fine! If it ain't broke right? But the temptation is too much. Everywhere you go you see the newer version. On television, everytime you open your Instagram there's 100 of them. All there waiting for the picking. And why shouldn't you test them out. You deserve it. And maybe that old faithful isn't as good as you remember it to be. After all it's lost it's new car smell. 

Now back to reality. Everywhere you go there's going to be temptation. There is always going an updated version if what you have. Doesn't mean that it's better. iPhone has a new update every month doesn't make it better. Just trading bugs and fixes for other bugs and fixes. Perfection doesn't exist. Perfection in love doesn't mean to be without flaws" it just means that you were able to love past them, work through them, get over them. It's only perfect as long as you find it perfect. The fear of missing out is real and natural but we're looking at it the wrong way. Instead of thinking that we are missing out by choosing just one, find the beauty in the gold at home. We should think, the people who do not get to experience what I get to experience, be loved the way I am loved, give love back in the way I have poured it from my soul, seeped it from every pore and have it absorbed, appreciated and returned are sure missing out. There is nothing better than the gold at home.