So the other night. I purged. It wasn't necessarily a willingful purge as it was brought on by consuming a mass amount of tequila in world record time. I called someone who I love dearly and who has hurt me tremendously and I let go. It didn't matter if they responded, if they heard me, if they cared. I (tequila) just knew that I couldn't hold it any longer. I mean I let loose. I ripped it on their (pardon the expletive) ass. I pointed out every flaw in logic, every insensitivity, selfish behavior, and I psychoanalyzed them. I went for the juggler. Now even in a drunken stupor I'm not disrespectful so there was no name calling or excess uses of ill language but I will be honest with you and say that I said "fuck you" so many times I could've been endorsed by a major record label. No really I should've had a 2 Chainz ad lib machine doing back up. It's something so liberating about saying, "you hurt me, fuck you" and meaning it.
I make no excuses for feeling that good about saying fuck you and normally I would feel terrible for even whispering such painful words to someone but I dont. I woke up the next morning feeling so spiritually light. I seriously could've flown away. I felt relieved. I felt unweighted. I felt free. I had held so many things inside of me to the point that I was weighing myself down trying to hold myself together. Back seating serious issues I had for the advancement of a relationship that could only go as far as my ability to communicate effectively. (I really hope you all caught that because
that's probably the truest statement I've ever written!) It was then I recognized the benefit of purging (minus the tequila of course)!
I've never been one to overly express myself. I'm in that gray area between saying too much and saying nothing at all. If you catch me on the wrong day I'll tell you everything you never wanted to know. Catch me in the wrong mood and I won't even glorify your foolery with a rebuttle. If you ask me how I feel about something I will tell you just that. I'm this way I believe because I never want to give you the glorification of knowing how much you have pissed me off, hurt me, and taken me to my limit. I spend everyday strong. It takes a lot of effort to keep your head high, your eyes up and your feet moving. If I stopped to really evaluate the feelings I felt that takes time away from me being strong and definitely a chip off my image. Now that just can't happen. My image is my everything. I'm nothing if not resilient. Always making the right decision, throwing myself on the sword, saying the right thing, being that right kind of "rare" person; the one you couldn't possibly duplicate. And if you cannot duplicate me then surely you must see the value in me without me exposing my weakness in our relationship thus making it last longer. Wrong!
You have to stop holding it in. Stop thinking "what's the point in addressing what was wrong they're never gonna fix it." Waiting for people to grow out of the same mentality that they have had their entire life. Stop subtly pointing out the flaws, leaving hints and becoming frustrated with the process to the point that the entire communication is shut down.
Normally I am the type to hold it all in, then when a person continuously pushes me I explode, I let it go then it starts all over. I realize now, that solves nothing. It was all said so brash and I was so furious to the point that I couldn't hear. Even if they had any feedback or any feelings I was so mad that I couldn't set aside my anger to listen, to come to a middle ground that leads to a solution. The crazy part about that is even when I was spazzing like crazy and so furious I was blinded, I would still hold back. I'd dance around the issues. I'd still allude to the problems because a part of me felt weak for even having them. This super woman cannot be insecure. She cannot be jealous. Surely she can't feel threatened. I know she can be sufficient without the necessities of modern women. Who needs time and affection? Love and comfort? Could superwoman herself actually NEED advice. Say it ain't so! Not realizing that all I didn't want to be was vulnerable. I didn't want anyone to know that they had the opportunity to hurt me or heal me. Break me or make me feel whole. To love me in any capacity but my own.
You start to think, who am I being strong for? How is holding this in making us better? Am I happier holding this in than if I had let it out? If your answer is yes by all means continue but if you did a real evaluation then you know the answer is no. Find a way to communicate with anyone who has hurt you. I'm sure you'll be surprised to find that you've hurt them too. Being so nonchalant that they felt you weren't invested. So emotional that they felt they had to be stronger & not communicate at all to not hurt you further. By being so nagging much that they never feel that it's their turn to unload on you. There is nothing wrong with a mediator. Go to therapy. Not Big Mama house but a real Judge Lynn Toler or less annoying Dr. Phil. Let someone be unbiased, see both sides, offer advice and tools, and save your life. Yes it's that crucial. As good as my purge felt and as needed as it was, I know it wasn't healthy. And if I get the chance I'll go to therapy with that person. I'll go to therapy for myself. Someone has to teach us to communicate. Contrary to popular belief it is not a skill you were born with. Yes you can talk but can you illustrate and help people understand what is that you are feeling. I've realized that any relationship familial or other is not easy. It takes work, effort, and a lot of uncomfortable moments. In an unconventional time, conventional methods simply will not work. The only way to learn to communicate is by communicating. The bigger picture is a happy life and sometimes you need someone else's help. That doesn't make you weak it makes you human.
Saint Francis De Sales said, "you learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; and just so, learn to love by loving. All those who think to learn in any other way deceive themselves."
Very relatable !
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