The Transition From Selfless To Selfish

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be like my mom. Even when I hated her (blame the teenage hormones) and felt like we had nothing in common I still wanted to be just like her. She was a career woman, super strong, supportive, a number of talents, and loved by quite a few. What I didn't realize is how much sacrifice it took to be those things. Balancing a career with three kids, a husband, president of the couples ministry, Sunday school superintendent, lead worship, made it to every track meet, basketball game, volleyball game we had and still cooked every night. She made it look so effortless, like she never got tired. Now that we're older and have grown up she talks a lot about how she needs to do things for herself now and I can remember thinking, "your whole life has been yours. why be selfish now?!?!" If only it were that easy. I see now a selfless person trying to be selfish is next to impossible. Like those people you see, standing outside a restaurant in the middle of a snowstorm trying to light a cigarette. You just keep flicking away with intensity, determined to get this fire lit. You know you can do it! You see others doing it! They make it look easy! They tell you it's easy! And you believe them. You think you'll get the same gratification that they get when they only think of themselves, when they only care about what they have going on. But it's not true. Yes I'll be a lot less heartbroken and probably a lot less mad when things go awry but I wouldn't have been myself being selfish. My son is 4 years old. I've been (was) in a relationship for the last two years. My everyday for probably the last 5 years has been a selfless act of love, compromise, and fulfilling others needs. Now while my previous lover never asked me to be selfless he surely didn't turn the benefits down. That's not a bashing that's the truth. But why would you expect someone to do that? Because we're selfless and our thoughts irrational.

Think about how many friends you've had over your lifetime, how many cookies and chips you've shared as a child, how many times you let your friend who didn't have what you had, have a little piece of yours and how disappointed you were when they didn't do the same. I don't think that feeling goes away. We just get older. For the truly selfless the idea of being selfish just for the sake of being selfish is absurd. You mean I shouldn't share just because people are mean and I probably, surely, definitely won't get it back. Tuh. It all seems so childish. We don't see it as self preservation we see it as being immature. Always having that "if I have it you got it" mentality. 

I woke up one morning about a month ago and was tired. I was was selfless-ing myself sick. I had gained an insane (for my standard) amount of weight, having chronic headaches, I'm sure I was making my child miserable because I was so tired my patience was far too thin to be dealing with the energy of a 4 year old, I was sad. So I quit. I stopped. I made decisions that surely were not the most wise, economically feasible, or emotionally best but I made them. Maybe I was overdue for a bad decision. The pressure I had placed on myself to be this well rounded renaissance woman was smothering me. It was no ones standards but my own. No ones expectations but my own. And no one would tell me, "hey maybe you should relax" but me. I woke up one day and decided it had been long enough. Being selfless hasn't yielded the results I needed to continue. 

I ended my relationship with a very good but very not ready man who I loved (still love) painfully. I left the job that was causing me a maniacal amount of stress, paid well, and kept me away from my son for the exact opposite. I withdrew my son from daycare and began to dedicate a significant amount of time to relearning him and giving him an opportunity to really get to know his much less occupied and way less stressed mom. And sad to say I've ended some friendships. But I'm happier. I'm healthier. I may never be as selfish as some of the people I've invited into my life but I can't say that I necessarily aspire to be that selfish. It's not who I see myself as. It was never in my long term goals. It's not what my mother would've been. 

Individuality has no place in love...

You've spent your whole life being an individual, only looking out for yourself. Why when given the opportunity to relinquish some of that individuality for a greater us, you panic? The merging of  two individuals isn't the loss of two people but the building of a great ONE. You would think you're tired of doing it alone. Running from your purpose because you're too focused on what you'll lose as opposed to all the things you'll gain. Maybe that's the decline of love. Maybe that has something to so with why people don't get married anymore. More secure in individuality , too scared to let anyone in. Thinking, "if I'll lose them I'll have nothing" why not think, "when we have each other we'll have everything". I look forward to letting go, to have a partner like God designed me to have. People are too scared to get what God told them is theirs. I look forward to holidays with both families, forcing the kids to perform talents, date nights two stepping to old school music, becoming those old couples we laughed at. Becoming everything I've always dreamed of. People will be alone for the rest of their life if it meant that they never had to feel the fall out of the risks they took. Every risk is a stepping stone out, above, over...an experience, wisdom otherwise not gained. I am not my failures I am however stronger everytime. I feel sorry for people who must hold on to who they think they are because they're just holding themselves back. It must be a sad life to know it'll always be you. Just you. Feeling like you're the only one you can trust. The only one that can love you. The only one who can anticipate your needs. I feel even worse for the one who was designed to love you, designed to break the mold, the one who was supposed to be great with you. I suppose I feel sorry for myself...